Let’s Stop the Bullsh*t Notion That You Have To Be Friends With Your Ex

Disclaimer: this article is based on my own experiences and my feelings on this subject because of those experiences.

With one week until Valentine’s Day, I wanted to delve into a topic that I’ve been thinking a lot about lately. I have spent the last few years, let’s say 7 or 8 being the definitive years of my dating life of thus far, with the idea that in order to have a healthy, and successful break-up I had to remain friends with my ex. I had to be ‘the cool ex-girlfriend who wasn’t hurt or affected. The majority of my relationships to be fair had begun as friendships so I wanted to keep those going, but the older I get the more I realize how unhealthy it can be to tirelessly try to maintain a friendship with an ex. Naturally, there are many factors that may lead you to believe you need to keep that friendship bracelet on; perhaps you’re in the same friend group and you don’t want to mess that up, maybe you share a child or pet. For me personally, I fear the mutual friends of my ex and myself will choose him over me. And if I’m not cool about him being around then I’m somehow the bad guy. I end up appearing ‘petty’ and he “wins”. This is post-break-up powerplay that isn’t healthy for me. Whatever the case may be I am now (after many years) under the firm belief that we do not owe anyone any of our time or emotions. That is just the key in this for me: EMOTIONS.
Within the activities, I have found myself participating in with an ex as I try to maintain a friendship there have been emotions brought up. Maybe we grabbed a drink somewhere we used to go to, this can bring up memories I don’t really need to relive (good or bad) because we already lived it once. And let’s not play pretend that it does not sometimes lead to a hookup that we regret. In my case, I found myself going out of my way to invite my ex to my birthday parties, or gatherings with friends so everyone could see how cool we were despite the breakup. Very slowly I began to inform him of my small daily wins and everything felt good. Here we were not romantically connected anymore, no obligations, but still maintaining the same level of contact and honestly intimacy in our chats. This cycle needed to stop when it began to sink my mind back into the habit of texting him daily once again and things became too familiar for my liking. A person who had broken my trust and my heart was now let back into my life in an emotional witness-protection program with a constant defence of “no we’re cool now, he’s much better as a friend”. But who was I trying to prove to that we were able to be just friends? Our mutual friends? Him? Certainly not myself right? This was becoming more complicated than our relationship and it had to stop.

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Mila Kunis says it like it is tbh

I had found that a friendship with a former lover brought out the most negative qualities from the relationship into the friendship. All the petty remarks but this time around there is no fear of losing them, we’re just playing, right? Like you do with a friend. You’re able to say the things you felt you couldn’t before and it is not always the nicest. Yet, all of the hurt from the broken relationship remains, the pain and betrayal remain, and it requires a different level of forgiveness now. Perhaps we reach a point where we (as exes) think we’re okay to talk about new love interests with one another, and sometimes you just aren’t ready. And the sting, the heart drop you feel when someone who was once your everything finds someone new, well it hurts. I leaned more toward playing it cool, mentioning a new guy only if prodded about it. I’ve been on the opposite side of that, I’ve met the ex of a person I’m dating and I can’t help but compare my own experiences to theirs. Don’t do that, don’t be a Nikki. I’m sure you can see the bias rambling found it’s place in this article and that’s okay because this is my site. But what do you do next? The cutoff phase, the opposite of Thank U, Next. A friendship breakup is hard, a love breakup is harder but now combine the two. It’s a grieving process and your emotions don’t make any sense. It’s like a detox from a person and the needs they fulfilled and it is hard.

Now, I’m not saying you shouldn’t be friends with your ex what I’m saying is that we need to scratch out this notion that you’re a bad person if you aren’t. I’m not a relationship expert, nor a psychologist of any capacity, but I don’t want to be labelled as the bad guy for not wanting to see someone I have a deep and emotional history with. I shouldn’t have to feel bad about not being the cool ex-girlfriend. I can still be cordial, and yes I’m still close with a few of my exes, but I don’t need to interact or message my ex on a regular basis because let’s face it: there is a reason we broke up.


The Anxiety Diaries Volume 2: Anti-Social Media

Okay so, no one seemed to hate volume one? I am still ironically shaking with anxiety from the first post hitting screens.

Volume 2 deals with social media which plays a big part in the majority of my own personal social circle (and a lot of others I assume too).
Personally, I use Facebook + Messenger, Instagram, and Twitter (the 3 main social media apps) the most. Zuckerburg’s baby is my main source of event information and trip planning. I make the most of the ability to “commit” to attending an event without having to really attend it. If the event is a big one I can easily bail on it and never have to provide an explanation why I wasn’t in attendance. I’ll bail for many reasons mainly because I feel like I’m not really wanted there. While I am well aware a personal invite is really a thing of the past I still feel like I’m not really wanted at an event/party. This is, of course, not a ‘boo-hoo no one invites me out’ post. I am very blessed to be a part of a very large social circle so it can often be easy to feel lost in it. When smaller groups of people get together there is a real FOMO feeling for things that I truly would probably decline an invitation to.  “Why did no one invite me to brunch after an event I didn’t go to?”. These are things that go through my head, and these are things that I felt if I were to express to my friends they would make an effort to invite me out more. This is not what I desire. I would then think it was a pity invite but I can’t explain why this would be my immediate thought when it is seemingly what I desire?

Now, the real FOMO lies within the world of Instagram. Yes as I write this there are 100 million posts from Coachella which I’m not really too upset I missed but there are a lot of comments with #FOMO on them. A picture is worth a thousand words but all we really want is for it to be worth a thousand likes. The caption and filters on a picture are used to make something look better than it was when it was captured. While I understand this notion in theory in use I end up thinking ‘wow it looks like they had a lot of fun” “why wasn’t I invited to this?” “They probably wouldn’t want me there anyway”.

Twitter is where I let go a bit with all my subtweeting, I have no shame in it.

But I do sometimes end up actually going out. I post on social media about the great time I’m having and share photos of genuine happiness. I find myself even if for just a minute feeling a sense of loneliness even when surrounded by people though. This moment is something that I reminded of whenever I agree to come out too.

Social media can be great for your anxiety at times though. I utilized the ongoing of others’ lives on various apps during my first state of grief when my father passed away. The reminder that life goes on was something I needed for myself. I now use social media to check in with others. I know that even little heart emoji messages that I get from friends keep me going. These messages are a reminder that they are there, despite our locations, or state of mind. AND OH WHAT A FANTASTIC WAY TO IGNORE PEOPLE. The death of flip phones meant the death of slamming a phone shut when you are mad. NOW I CAN LEAVE PEOPLE ON ‘READ’ ON MESSENGER. I can click ‘mark as unread’ and pretend I haven’t even seen the message. BUT I HAVE, OH I HAVE. And then like a phoenix from the ashes I rise and I drop a ‘sup’ as if I was just too dang busy for life.

At the end of the day, I’m sure I would have been welcomed at any of the events I alienate myself from. I’m sure no one (okay not ON ONE) would sigh upon my arrival in disapproval. But these are things I am worried about even with the huge social circle and support system that I have. It all stems from underlying issues with my own self-worth and yes I may sometimes project that negatively onto others. But I swear to you I am trying to change that. Online therapy is a tool I use since I’m already online on these apps, find more info on it through BetterHelp!

Is there a topic you want me to babble about? Leave me some love in the comment section! Or hate because you are allowed to have feelings.

I Don’t Have A Father’s Day: What I Learned In The 3 Months Since My Dad Passed Away

Sad headline huh? Don’t worry I promise to have a more pop-culture/silly post for Father’s Day later today, I gotchu fam. Prepare for some feels…

A little over three months ago my entire life changed when my dad’s life ended suddenly. Pops had been sick, he had really been sick since I was about 14 and his doctor informed my he wouldn’t even make it to my high school graduation. With 12+ years of never knowing if he would get better or worse I thought I was prepared for the day he left me.

I was not.

Not even a little bit.

As I walked into my house it was filled with emergency team members, police, and family. My first focus was to make sure everyone else was okay, I consoled everyone else before confronting my whole feelings. After that I just felt empty, I would just sit there with a hole in my heart mumbling “I don’t know what to do”. See, my dad was my best friend, we were very codependent on one another.


You then have about 4 minutes to try to process it all before the coroner comes over to ask you a million questions about the deceased’s health, and then with no transition whatsoever how and where they will be buried. Without the insane support system I had with my that night I would not have stuck around, fight or flight you know? I did not sleep, eating was not an option either. The majority of the first few days following that was funeral arrangements, calls informing family members/friends of what happened and a lot of people talking about you and your well being as if you are not even there. I took a little under a week off of work to try to get my life together again. That empty feeling still lingered. I didn’t want to see anyone, or post anything on social media that made it seem like I wasn’t still mourning, I was afraid I would look like an awful person for taking a minute of distracting behavior. There are a lot of things I was afraid to do; listening to music was high on the list, seeing my friends for fear of that look in their eye of how bad they felt for me, I felt pathetic. I guess I’m still afraid of that look in my friend’s eyes.

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Going back to work was needed to feel a sense of normalcy and accomplishment. I needed to focus on myself, but continued to console others. Within the next two months I was forced to deal with my first birthday without my dad, Easter, and had to learn to stop making two portions of dinner because he would not be around to eat it. I didn’t believe anyone when they said that eventually the things that reminded me of him that made me sad at first would become happy memories. They really do, I swear. For example I no longer cry when I see a can of Coke Zero (#notsponsored). His birthday was hard, I still feel this gripping sense that he was taken from my and that it’s unfair he didn’t get to cheat and eat cake that day while I horribly sang happy birthday to him. And although I’m continuously told “he’s in a better place” I still think a better place would be with me. I’m told that I don’t talk about it enough, here you go.

The empty feeling is still around, and nothing will fill that hole but I’m learning to accept that. Today is hard, today is a day to appreciate the father figure you have in your life, I spent every day of my life appreciating my dad. He was my biggest fan, I wanted to make movies, he asked when he could see them. He drove me to set every single time, posted on Facebook whenever I had a project I wanted pumped up. He was always proud of me, and the unconditional love that man had was unfathomable. I’ll pour one out for the homie today, and miss him every day.

So ultimately what have I learned in these last three months, I mean that IS the headline. I’ve learned a few things:

– I’ll never stop missing him, but there are moments of pure bliss in life that I must embrace to survive.

– I was so, sooo lucky to have such an amazing dad (but I think I already knew that)

– That empty feeling is never going to go away, and no amount of drinking, food, or devious behavior can ever fill it.

– Support systems are everything

– My humour remains cynical

It’ll be okay one day, maybe.

Now back to your regularly scheduled pop culture nonsense.

Are You Here For Bella Thorne And Scott Disick?

Rumours have been a-flyin’ this week with reports that 19 year old Bella Thorne who like Taylor Swift has gotten a bit of a bad rep when it comes to her dating life, is now dating 33 year old “Lord” Scott Disick.  Image result for bella thorne scott disickThe two have been seen, sorry that I am 100 but, canoodling and sources say its just a spot of fun for the two. While I imagine Khloe Kardashian is all for Scott moving on as she has never been a fan of her sister Kourtney the mother of Scott’s 3 children) and Disick being together I’m not sure I’m here for the couple either.

In the past Thorne has been linked to Charlie Puth, Gregg Sulkin, and my future husband Tyler Posey. Whereas Disick spends his time with Kardashians, and models. Who know? Maybe the two are a good fit but if they are just having fun, or serious who cares it’s not your life? (I care I care about this kinda sh*t)

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Day Of Pink: Down With Bullying

Where is your pink?

The International Day of Pink is a Canadian anti-bullying event held annually during the second week of April[[2]]. The event started when students David Shepherd and Travis Price saw another student, who was wearing a pink shirt, being bullied in their Central Kings Rural High School in Nova Scotia, and deciding to show support for the student by getting everyone at their school to wear pink the following day.[1]

The initiative inspired youth at Jer’s Vision who founded The International Day of Pink, an effort to support their peers internationally with resources and ways to make their schools safer.

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Love each other, and be kind.

The World Lost Another Rockstar…

It is with the heaviest of hearts, souls and eyes full of tears that I write that my rockstar, my best friend, and most importantly my dad passed away on the evening of March 15th, 2017. As many of you know he was one of the kindest, most charismatic humans on the planet. An animal whisperer, father, junk rockstar, b-movie, bad tv loving man. I cannot, and will not even begin to explain how shattered I am by this (especially via social media). 17352368_10158359191945134_7385793241215287534_nPops is the reason I know all that I do about film,TV, and music and the man was always sure to support me learning more about the two. He would always tell me little tidbits about certain songs, or scenes in TV shows/films and I’m pretty sure that is where I get my habit of “hey did you know” from. We played ‘Road’, he taught me to always stick by my brother, picked me up at all hours of the night from anywhere just to make sure I was safe, and always made way too much pasta. My dad meant, and still means everything to me and was my biggest fan, supporter and taught me so much that I was never given the opportunity to thank him or repay him for. Of course this is not about me, it is about the loss of such an incredible man. He and I agreed 2017 would be a big year of change for us and damn were we right.But, how can I possibly even put into words how amazing my dad was, I could go on forever and continue to have raw face of tears.
Pops never liked to be fussed over and as per his wishes there will be no funeral service, but a celebration of his life will be planned and held in the future.
He was always so supportive of all my crazy ideas, and dreams especially this website so it is only fitting that he have a post dedicated to him. And it is very likely that this will not be my last post about, or dedicated to him.
All of your messages,tweets and calls of love are appreciated even if I have not answered yet. And the casseroles (yes this is a real thing, people really do bring casseroles to you when a loved one dies). I love you all (okay most of you), thank you.