The Anxiety Diaries Volume 2: Anti-Social Media

Okay so, no one seemed to hate volume one? I am still ironically shaking with anxiety from the first post hitting screens.

Volume 2 deals with social media which plays a big part in the majority of my own personal social circle (and a lot of others I assume too).
Personally, I use Facebook + Messenger, Instagram, and Twitter (the 3 main social media apps) the most. Zuckerburg’s baby is my main source of event information and trip planning. I make the most of the ability to “commit” to attending an event without having to really attend it. If the event is a big one I can easily bail on it and never have to provide an explanation why I wasn’t in attendance. I’ll bail for many reasons mainly because I feel like I’m not really wanted there. While I am well aware a personal invite is really a thing of the past I still feel like I’m not really wanted at an event/party. This is, of course, not a ‘boo-hoo no one invites me out’ post. I am very blessed to be a part of a very large social circle so it can often be easy to feel lost in it. When smaller groups of people get together there is a real FOMO feeling for things that I truly would probably decline an invitation to.  “Why did no one invite me to brunch after an event I didn’t go to?”. These are things that go through my head, and these are things that I felt if I were to express to my friends they would make an effort to invite me out more. This is not what I desire. I would then think it was a pity invite but I can’t explain why this would be my immediate thought when it is seemingly what I desire?

Now, the real FOMO lies within the world of Instagram. Yes as I write this there are 100 million posts from Coachella which I’m not really too upset I missed but there are a lot of comments with #FOMO on them. A picture is worth a thousand words but all we really want is for it to be worth a thousand likes. The caption and filters on a picture are used to make something look better than it was when it was captured. While I understand this notion in theory in use I end up thinking ‘wow it looks like they had a lot of fun” “why wasn’t I invited to this?” “They probably wouldn’t want me there anyway”.

Twitter is where I let go a bit with all my subtweeting, I have no shame in it.

But I do sometimes end up actually going out. I post on social media about the great time I’m having and share photos of genuine happiness. I find myself even if for just a minute feeling a sense of loneliness even when surrounded by people though. This moment is something that I reminded of whenever I agree to come out too.

Social media can be great for your anxiety at times though. I utilized the ongoing of others’ lives on various apps during my first state of grief when my father passed away. The reminder that life goes on was something I needed for myself. I now use social media to check in with others. I know that even little heart emoji messages that I get from friends keep me going. These messages are a reminder that they are there, despite our locations, or state of mind. AND OH WHAT A FANTASTIC WAY TO IGNORE PEOPLE. The death of flip phones meant the death of slamming a phone shut when you are mad. NOW I CAN LEAVE PEOPLE ON ‘READ’ ON MESSENGER. I can click ‘mark as unread’ and pretend I haven’t even seen the message. BUT I HAVE, OH I HAVE. And then like a phoenix from the ashes I rise and I drop a ‘sup’ as if I was just too dang busy for life.

At the end of the day, I’m sure I would have been welcomed at any of the events I alienate myself from. I’m sure no one (okay not ON ONE) would sigh upon my arrival in disapproval. But these are things I am worried about even with the huge social circle and support system that I have. It all stems from underlying issues with my own self-worth and yes I may sometimes project that negatively onto others. But I swear to you I am trying to change that. Online therapy is a tool I use since I’m already online on these apps, find more info on it through BetterHelp!

Is there a topic you want me to babble about? Leave me some love in the comment section! Or hate because you are allowed to have feelings.

Published by Nikki Sin

Toronto based blogger, dreamer, and a green tea addict. Currently working with a fire breathing dragon, no seriously.

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