The Anxiety Diaries Volume 2: Anti-Social Media

Okay so, no one seemed to hate volume one? I am still ironically shaking with anxiety from the first post hitting screens.

Volume 2 deals with social media which plays a big part in the majority of my own personal social circle (and a lot of others I assume too).
Personally, I use Facebook + Messenger, Instagram, and Twitter (the 3 main social media apps) the most. Zuckerburg’s baby is my main source of event information and trip planning. I make the most of the ability to “commit” to attending an event without having to really attend it. If the event is a big one I can easily bail on it and never have to provide an explanation why I wasn’t in attendance. I’ll bail for many reasons mainly because I feel like I’m not really wanted there. While I am well aware a personal invite is really a thing of the past I still feel like I’m not really wanted at an event/party. This is, of course, not a ‘boo-hoo no one invites me out’ post. I am very blessed to be a part of a very large social circle so it can often be easy to feel lost in it. When smaller groups of people get together there is a real FOMO feeling for things that I truly would probably decline an invitation to.  “Why did no one invite me to brunch after an event I didn’t go to?”. These are things that go through my head, and these are things that I felt if I were to express to my friends they would make an effort to invite me out more. This is not what I desire. I would then think it was a pity invite but I can’t explain why this would be my immediate thought when it is seemingly what I desire?

Now, the real FOMO lies within the world of Instagram. Yes as I write this there are 100 million posts from Coachella which I’m not really too upset I missed but there are a lot of comments with #FOMO on them. A picture is worth a thousand words but all we really want is for it to be worth a thousand likes. The caption and filters on a picture are used to make something look better than it was when it was captured. While I understand this notion in theory in use I end up thinking ‘wow it looks like they had a lot of fun” “why wasn’t I invited to this?” “They probably wouldn’t want me there anyway”.

Twitter is where I let go a bit with all my subtweeting, I have no shame in it.

But I do sometimes end up actually going out. I post on social media about the great time I’m having and share photos of genuine happiness. I find myself even if for just a minute feeling a sense of loneliness even when surrounded by people though. This moment is something that I reminded of whenever I agree to come out too.

Social media can be great for your anxiety at times though. I utilized the ongoing of others’ lives on various apps during my first state of grief when my father passed away. The reminder that life goes on was something I needed for myself. I now use social media to check in with others. I know that even little heart emoji messages that I get from friends keep me going. These messages are a reminder that they are there, despite our locations, or state of mind. AND OH WHAT A FANTASTIC WAY TO IGNORE PEOPLE. The death of flip phones meant the death of slamming a phone shut when you are mad. NOW I CAN LEAVE PEOPLE ON ‘READ’ ON MESSENGER. I can click ‘mark as unread’ and pretend I haven’t even seen the message. BUT I HAVE, OH I HAVE. And then like a phoenix from the ashes I rise and I drop a ‘sup’ as if I was just too dang busy for life.

At the end of the day, I’m sure I would have been welcomed at any of the events I alienate myself from. I’m sure no one (okay not ON ONE) would sigh upon my arrival in disapproval. But these are things I am worried about even with the huge social circle and support system that I have. It all stems from underlying issues with my own self-worth and yes I may sometimes project that negatively onto others. But I swear to you I am trying to change that. Online therapy is a tool I use since I’m already online on these apps, find more info on it through BetterHelp!

Is there a topic you want me to babble about? Leave me some love in the comment section! Or hate because you are allowed to have feelings.