It is time to gather ’round because The Traitors US is back for Season 4, and honey, the casting director deserves a raise and a Birkin. We have Bravo royalty, Survivor legends, and… a Kelce? It’s a chaotic mix, and I am obsessssssed.

The Traitors In The Turret

Alan Cumming (looking like a delicious Scottish snack) tapped Lisa Rinna (RHOBH), Candiace Dillard Bassett (RHOP), and Rob Rausch (Love Island) as the OG Traitors.

But the gag? The Secret Traitor. Alan picked Donna Kelce (Mama Kelce!) to be a fourth Traitor whose identity was hidden from the others. A wholesome football mom killing people in the night? It was the twist we didn’t know we needed.

The Episode-by-Episode Carnage

Episode 1: The Setup. The game kicks off, the cloaks are given, and the paranoia begins. No one goes home yet, but the vibes are already rancid (in the best way).

Episode 2: The “I Killed Ian” Fiasco

• Murdered: Ian Terry (Big Brother). The Traitors took out a winner immediately. Smart move, boring for us.
  
• Banished: Porsha Williams (RHOA). In a moment of pure Porsha-level confusion, she accidentally said, “I killed Ian” during the roundtable. The Faithfuls didn’t even care if it was a slip; they sent her packing. A legendary first exit for our girl.

Episode 3: The Secret Is Out

• Murdered: Rob Cesternino (Survivor). They took out the “Know-It-All” before he could know too much.
  
• Banished: Donna Kelce. The Faithfuls actually caught a Traitor! Through sheer paranoia, they banished the Secret Traitor before she could even meet her teammates. Sorry, Mama Kelce!

Episode 4: The Laugh In The Woods

• Murdered: Caroline Stanbury (RHODubai). She was murdered face-to-face in the woods. Seeing a Housewife go down like that? I was unwell.
  
• Banished: Tiffany Mitchell (Big Brother). This was a tragedy. Colton Underwood and Eric Nam convinced the house they heard Tiffany “laugh” during a dark mission. She was faithful, and she let them have it on her way out.

Episode 5: The Downfall of the Menace

• Murdered: Monét X Change (Drag Race). My heart is broken. Monét was the only one clocking Rinna’s lies, so the Traitors had to snuff her out.
  
• Banished: Michael Rapaport. Finally, the trash took itself out.

I haven’t trusted Michael since he was on Friends

Not that I want to give this “human” any further attention, but…

The drama peaked when Rapaport went head-to-head with Colton Underwood. In an attempt to “expose” Colton, Michael dropped the lowest of low blows, saying: “Nobody in this room would be better at holding a secret than you.” The room went ice-cold. Everyone—including the Traitors—immediately clocked it as a nasty, homophobic-coded dig at Colton’s journey coming out. Colton’s response? “You think it was fun for 29 years of my life?” I was cheering. The entire castle (led by Candiace and Johnny Weir) came together to banish Rapaport. He left, calling himself the “dopest Faithful,” but the only thing “dope” was the silence once the drawbridge closed.

Current Vibe Check

Right now, Rinna and Candiace are running the house while Rob just stands there looking like a 1950s movie star. The Faithfuls are still reeling, and they’ve lost their best strategists. Colton is the “hero” of the moment, but he’s basically doing the Traitors’ work for them. Natalie Anderson is crushing the challenges as expected, Maura is serving look after look, and my girl Dorinda is still there!! Lisa Rinna is being suspicious, according to fellow housewives, and we have barely heard a peep from Laguna Beach‘s own Stephen Colletti.

Let us also note the flirty friendship between our Love Islanders icon Maura Higgins and snake wrangler Rob Raunch. I can’t lie, the man looks GOOD.