I’m not sure how we got to volume 7 already but I’m glad I have a space to look back on my own journey down a road paved with anxiety. This will be the last in the series for the year so I wanted to circle back to why I started writing this in the first place. I never want to be an emotional burden but I feel like this quite a bit. I’ve spoken about the importance of needing a support system before but within this post, I’d like to focus on emotional dependence. I have a hard time accepting help from others when it comes to feels support. I’m uncertain of whether or not this is me pretending I’m super tough and I don’t need it or not wanting to feel like I can’t do it all on my own. When you spend the majority of your life pretending things are okay (see last month’s post about avoiding your demons) you get very good at it. I absolutely despise getting to a point where I feel the need to reach out for support from the people I love. These are the same people I want to be strong for. The same people who are strong for me, and understand me the way I need them to. I find myself depending far too much on some people more than others of course and sometimes this doesn’t seem fair. My dependence on a partner can really put a strain on the relationship. I feel needy asking for attention or just ranting about something bad that happened at work. The dependence becomes more and more evident with the simplicity to archive conversations on my phone. I, and yes I’m aware of how insane I sound, will look back on conversations to see how needy I was and put a limit on how often to reach out.
I don’t want to emotionally drain another human. I know how empty I can feel, and I know a lot of that lack of energy is from taking on other people’s problems. I’m now starting to feel like this piece is more of an apology letter to anyone who I have (or had) a relationship with that I have strained. Once you feel like you are loved, and supported by someone their behaviour should be something that is easy to predict (or so I have found). Remembering that their behaviour is not always in direct correlation of something I did is hard of course. I can sense when someone is becoming distant and I need to remember to not let my head take over or convince myself this is my fault. It is somehow easier to blame myself, I can modify my own behaviour I can’t modify others. I’ve talked about my father quite a bit within my posts and he was certainly someone I depended on a lot emotionally. Without him I find myself gripping tightly onto those who I still have, or have recently gained. This isn’t all about calling someone and needing to vent or needing advice. Another way I have found helpful when asking for help is to reach out to my friends to do productive things together. I’m content with laying in bed and writing, even a piece like this, with a friend or partner.
This post is in no way trying to encourage you to limit the amount of emotional dependence you have but merely to be aware. Notice who listens, and who REALLY listens.
What do you want to see me write about in 2019? Leave me some suggestions in the comments, and be sure to take a look back at the other Anxiety Diaries posts in the series.