The Anxiety Diaries Volume 14: Sometimes,I Don’t Want To Live But I Don’t Want To Die

It’s common but not the best idea to listen to sad music when we are indeed already sad. A song I felt resonated with me in times of depression has been ‘Empty’ by Olivia O’Brien. You’ll get snippets of the lyrics throughout this volume of the writing project that helps me express this all.

“That’s just reality, yeah, don’t lie to me
Yeah, I’m f*cked up, but I don’t wanna be“

The other day I said to a friend “I think it would be easier if I wasn’t around sometimes“. This lead to an immediate response of “that isn’t the answer” and the red flag that maybe I would hurt myself.

Thoughts like this though are the classics of someone suffering from passive suicidal ideation. It’s not really a desire to commit suicide, more so an expression that it’s just hard to be yourself sometimes.

I don’t want to be the “sad girl” all the time, I know it’s not enjoyable for anyone (mostly me, I have to be me after all). Sometimes I just don’t want to be me. For a number of reasons, but it feels like I’m suffocating and it hurts. My mind becomes a prison I can’t seem to escape.

“Sometimes I just wanna drown out
All of the thoughts in my mind, too much
Going on at the same time, I
Wish it would stop and I’ve tried, but
Life just sucks then we all die“

I know that’s why I love to sleep so much, I get to escape my own reality for a bit. I don’t have to be the me in this reality. That’s why people use drugs, and alcohol to embrace an escape. That’s the romanticization of suicide, you’ll be free from this reality.

Truthfully I have been suicidal, I planned it out. And that’s so strange for me to type and admit to a bunch of strangers reading this but it’s a thing that happened. And hey, maybe someone needed to read that. However I can’t, and won’t admit why I didn’t go through it though.

Maybe I was too scared.

“I wonder if I’m good enough
Or maybe I’ve had just too much
To drink, to smoke, to swallow
I’m drowning up my sorrows
There’s rules I’ll never follow
Pretend there’s no tomorrow
I wish there was no tomorrow“

In the end that is really I want sometimes. But, I am not suicidal. I want an escape from my reality, the reality where I’m this person suffering from anxiety and depression. Things that I know I shouldn’t let consume me, but sometimes they do.

I don’t want to be alive, or feel alive I want out temporarily. I still have things to do in the life, stories to tell, memories to create, people to love and words to write.

“But I’m empty inside, yeah, I’m empty inside
And I don’t wanna live, but I’m too scared to die
Yeah, I’m empty inside, I just don’t feel alive
And I don’t wanna live, but I’m too scared to die“

It’s f*cking okay to feel this way, I realize that now. I cannot be the only person with these ideas and aches in my heart and head. And while it may not get “better” the way I hoped for it will be okay.

Eventually.